It’s been a long and stress filled year for me. One full of ups and downs but looking back I wouldn’t change any of it. Thought I’d share my story for all those girls out there trying to have a baby and it isn’t coming easy.
I was pretty organised. I’m not one of those people who live their lives with surprises. I think it’s because I’ve had allot of life changing disruptions in my childhood like the unexpected death of my dad and having to move countries multiple times and wasn’t having any more. So planner me, sorted out my career, got that promotion, lost weight. Got married then my hubby and after sufficient time had passed we – or rather I decided and my hubby agreed it was time to have a baby.
I got my health and life insurance sorted and we organised our finances. I went to have the contraceptive impant removed from my arm in July last year. I discussed it at length my doctor and had my pre-pregnancy tests and vaccinations. I was so ready to just get on with it and have a baby pronto; we had done everything we had planned to do before kids. I had a pap-smear done – screening for cervical cancer and the results came back abnormal. I didn’t take it seriously. I was naive. I was more focused on getting pregnant than dealing with the results. I don’t know why I didn’t want to deal with it. I finally went to see to see my doctor about my results. She told me to focus on one thing at a time and was referred to a specialist soon after. Probably cause a friend of mine had died of cancer and I just could not deal with the possibility that that was going to be me. I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and go ahead with my plans and live my life in denial.
Death doesn’t really scare me. Getting sick does. My dad was sick for a long time before he passed away and I will never forget watching him fade away to the point it was a relief when he died. My doctor kept calling me telling me to come in urgently but it was not getting pregnant quickly that really made me go back as though that was the more important thing. I was scared that I was infertile. I thought it would happen quickly. Like 3 months or that I would pregnant on queue. And I was wretched on the inside when it didn’t. My closest friends all had babies or were close to.
But it’s funny how things don’t necessary happen according to plan. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant. I kept thinking we left this too long. I should have had kids earlier in my 20s. And now it’s too late. If this is cancer I’m done. The doctor referred me to a specialist who did more tests and recommended surgery asap. That was wake up call. It finally registered that my focus needed to shift. I could have cancer. And getting pregnant was secondary to my life. My doctor bless his heart told me not to despair – Not conceiving now was a blessing. Surgery first in December wait a few months for full recovery and it would not impact my fertility, infact it will help. Then was probably the most stressed I have ever been in my life with all the months leading to that point. On-top of everything work was crazy and I really had no one to talk to about what I was going through. My hubby was great though. He was worried too but told me not to get ahead of myself with worry or thinking the worst. One step at a time and we would deal with whatever happened together.
I had my surgery which looking back was not a big deal. They didn’t even need to cut me open. It was done via 3 holes in my belly and I barely have scars. I was in the hospital one night. In fact the most difficult thing about it was the constipation that resulted afterward. I also made the mistake of I end up going back to work after a few days which was too soon. But finally got back. Recovery ticks by. More months pass and I was still not pregnant. I had been diligently reading up on fertility, charting my temp and doing the pee on a stick – to track my ovulation so we didn’t miss the fertility window with extreme paranoia. My periods are normal. Sure for the 2 months post surgery they were so longer than normal due to bleeding and bruising from the surgery. But always on time.
I started to get ahead of myself with worry again and think we are barren. My doctor tells me it’s not an exact science and the body is not predictable. Everything has to align to get pregnant even the PH of your vaginal fluid is a contributing factor can you believe that? It’s not just the probability of the sperm catching the egg. As if I was feeling low enough my brother had a baby and rather than making me happy it deflates me even further. I started to feel like a failure. Two of my friends give birth. My cousin is also pregnant and I go from sadness to anger back to sadness. This isn’t how my story is supposed to go down. I’ve done it all right. Married career saved waited for stable environment. Work was so insane at the moment. I work more to not deal with this.
At this point I look at how much time has passed. I’m like enough it’s not happening. Been 10 months something in wrong. Maybe my eggs are old. I must be barren. I start to try to imagine a life without kids. We will adjust and try to be happy I tell myself but I’m not very convincing.
We planned a trip back home to Uganda in January but postponed it til July as I was too stressed out to deal with holiday planning. I told myself I will wait til we get back and go to a fertility specialist when we returned or maybe just go by myself. Clinton was also worried but putting on a calm front. He could see how stressed I had been but was telling me not to worry too much.
At some point we have a fight over nothing. My nerves are so close to surface. Exercise which was my stress relief went by the way side a while back. Probably since the surgery. I was still not mentally coping except with work. Work has always been the one area I feel like I was in control. At work, I always feel like I’m in charge I’m the expert. I’m totally confident in my ability to get a job done even though shit does not go according to plan.
I said enough is enough. I stopped tracking my fertility. I say no more temping or OPKs and no more obsessing or trying to have a baby for a while. It was all too much for me. I secretly gave up all hope
And you know what – The month I let go and surrendered and stopped trying to manage the situation and stopped focusing our sex life on babies is the month it happened. A watched pot never boils. My period which is like clockwork was 4 days late. I tested expecting a negative. I had no hope after so much trying and negatives. And then I get the two faint lines. I thought I’d imagined it. I tested again 2 days later and it’s still positive. I couldn’t believe how relieved and happy and pleased with myself I was.
Pretty quickly part of me gets scared. In those first days I was expecting to miscarry or something and had to consciously tell myself to just chill and that I was healthy and had no reason to stress out. I had to fight the urge to test daily to make sure I’m pregnant and stay off the pregnancy sites and forums full of heart wrenching stories that had helped me before. I also worry about my fitness as I was not at my peak anymore and not motivated to get back to where I was. Around my wedding was the fittest and best I have ever looked/felt. It was hard to look in the mirror and see the weight coming back.
Luckily work is a welcome distraction, I move to a new area and consumed by a new role. Just when I had given up it’s finally happened
Morning sickness starts almost right away and I feel like crap. But we are happy. I’m overwhelmed by emotions and underwhelmed by work which used to occupy me so much. I decide to just accept it and see where it goes. I tell my close friends but delayed to tell family til I was past the first trimester. It was weird how I was feeling protective of the news and wanted to keep it private. I just wanted to relax and be ok with it before I tell the world.
Just want to enjoy this and have some time with my hubby before things go nuts.
And the timing despite the long wait in the end couldn’t have been better. My health is sorted our savings hit our target, I have a promotion and we have our trip – we manage to fit in an amazing safari holiday before the baby coming.
In my world my friends are closer than family. My friends – the UG crew thank God help me so much and I don’t know how I would have coped without them. All the insecurities and dumb questions they have helped me work through. Always have time for me. Checking up on me. I’m so grateful to know there are people who care even though so much time has passed since I last saw them and they have their own life.
There are many things to worry about and they seem to outweigh all the things to be happy about
I have to frequently keep telling myself to be positive and to just take it slow and enjoy each day that’s a good day.
At least I have not seen another grey hair yet my pants won’t zip. But my butt my boots and my hair look fab. And the weight gain despite being alarming has not been catastrophic.
I’m afraid of how fat I’m going to get. I’ve lost 15kgs. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m no longer motivated to exercise like that and I’ve lost my fitness mojo. But if I managed to achieve that in the past I can do it again when I’m ready. You can’t force it. Motivation comes from within. So yeah I’m worried about that and don’t even get me started on the fear of child birth.
Luckily I have months to get my head around it.
HER-DOT-UG 