In my own experience, despite being African, I can talk about this stuff. I have to if I want to face myself and accept who I am. Ok here goes, this is hard post to do. I do suffer from intermittent depression. Undiagnosed. Not sure if Im using the correct term but thats what I have been calling it. But despite this, I consider myself one of the lucky ones because its only happened to me in a big way about 4 times in my adult life so far. I probably had it when I was a teenager as well but its affected me more in adulthood. Its always triggered by a major stressful life event. Be it migrating to Australia and all the things that happened around it, 2 bad breakups after long term relationships and a once so far in the second trimester of pregnancy. Why do I consider myself lucky you might wonder? Well simply because its not chronic. Its not an ongoing issue that I have to deal with each day of my life. So that’s why I’m grateful. Mine is temporary and always even at my lowest low, I’m still able to function and recognise it and know its temporary and I will get through it. I don’t need medication and once I confront the issues I’m able to move past it and usually back to myself in a couple of weeks if I work at it.
I’m starting to realise we all have suffered from depression at some point in our lives. Life is hard and its quite normal for a person to break down when things get too much. There is no shame in it. But you have to confront and deal with it otherwise it can ruin your life and the lives of those around you.
I always thought depression would hit me after the birth of the baby. I didn’t realise it could hit me before hand. So it was really unexpected when this last episode in my second trimester occurred. It was not the worst I have ever had. But it affected me deeply as I didn’t see it coming at all.
I had not been sleeping due to bad Insomnia that has been plaguing me for most of my pregnancy. But that week it was so much worse. I was not motivated to go to work or do anything due to issues with the nature of our project and the toll pregnancy was taking on me. I was exhausted and could not focus on anything. I was contemplating taking stress leave from work. I was withdrawn and starting to look as bad as I felt. I was walking around with unshaven legs and unwashed braids, making no effort in the mornings which was not me.I just wanted to stay in bed and not do anything for the remaining time.
Then wisdom teeth issues started. I had had issues with them in my first trimester but left them untreated thinking it was unsafe to deal with and they settled down on their own. This time I was not so lucky. I was in that indescribable pain. My head felt like it was going to explode. I had a fever, was nauseous and the pain so bad I would have had them sawed out just to get the pain to stop. I’m pretty good with pain, highly tolerant but this I could not bear. I had to get two of them removed which was not part of the plan.
And after the extraction the pain was excruciating for another week. So I had had almost 2 weeks of misery and somehow I found myself in a depressive state where it was just all too much. I was so uncomfortable from the pregnancy and the side effects of the medications I was on did not help. I was drowsy, nauseated, constipated, had no appetite and getting more depressed with each passing day. I could not sleep at night, I was exhausted. I felt hideous; I could not even look in the mirror without being revolted by the hugeness of my body. I was stressed by my weight gain, the lack of energy and just sick of everything especially being pregnant. lus the baby was kicking me all night so I couldn’t sleep and so hard it would make my eyes water. Each time I felt him move my heart would start racing and I would feel sick to my stomach and hope he would just stop moving and so I could sleep.Where had the joy of pregnancy gone, what was wrong with me for feeling this way? All I was feeling were horrible negative feelings towards the baby including resentment.
I even found myself wishing I would do in to labour early just so it would end; only to be overwrought with guilt for feeling such bad thoughts. I wondered how long it would take for my hubby to get over me and move on if anything happened to us.
What kind of mother was I risking having a preterm baby just so I could get out of this suffering? Gosh how selfish? How the hell was I going to cope with a baby if I couldn’t even handle being pregnant? I have no right to be complaining all the time. So many women out there cannot conceive, go through rounds of IVF or have lost their kids from miscarriage or had preterm deaths and still borns and here I was ungrateful for the blessing I had been given.
It all came to a head one night. After about 4-5 unsuccessful attempts to arrange my pillows for bed to go to sleep, I just lost it. I turned on the light and just started throwing things across the room and rattling on incoherently. My poor hubby was at a loss for words. He asked what he could do to help and I replied there isn’t anything you can do to make this better. I eventually told him to go to sleep and stayed up wondering how I was going to manage another 3 months of this. I thought I wanted a baby but now I was not so sure. What had I been thinking? Pregnancy was a nightmare. I was in over my head. I should not be a parent. I cannot handle another 3 months of this.
I contemplated getting up and going for a walk or watching TV but realised I just needed to give up to despair and give in to these feelings and just be ok with feeling wretched for a few hours. I cried silently then stopped. I was tempted to wake my husband to talk but didn’t as I realised there was no point to both of us getting no sleep.There was nothing to say. He could not possibly understand what I was feeling. It only made sense to me. Plus he had to go to work the next day and I had been enough of a pain in the ass for the last 6 months.
As for me I was still on sick leave due to recovering from dental surgery. I got up tried the pillow arranging again but soon gave up. No position as comfortable. And no amount of pillows were going to help me sleep. There was no hope of sleeping tonight. I was at my lowest low in a very long time. At some point something told me to just put my head on my hubby’s chest, which is something I had not done in months and I finally managed to fall asleep for about an hour and that was it.
The next couple of days were rough but they started to get better because I made a conscious effort to deal with my feelings I admitted that was depressed instead of denying it. I accepted it. I told my hubby what he needed to do to help me out. I told myself to stop feeling guilty for having him do all the housework and letting things around the house go. Who cares if we haven’t vacuumed for two weeks and there is dog hair everything or that the washing has piled up. We are doing the best we can and my hubby bless his heart is doing all of it on his own and not complaining. I’m also dealing with a lot and it’s ok for me to be leaning on him to do all the house stuff. I told myself and my hubby to get out outside more and make sure I was eating properly – home cooked meals lots of meat and vegetables even when we were feeling lazy, drink milk , do my yoga, go for walks when I can and sleep when I can and just get off my ass to do simple stuff. My man made me the best fruit salad I have ever had and after two bowls of that, things started to not look too bad. . This pregnancy has been pretty rough on my husband as well and I love him more everyday for how he has handled me. He will be an awesome dad even if I lose mishit occasionally as a mum.
One of the key lessons from birthing classes I attended recently is about letting go, surrendering to whatever happens good or bad and trusting your body and instincts will help you get through it. It’s not about not feeling pain. Pain is part of it. But so is joy and happiness that comes with it. So yes this last time for me was pretty bad but 3 weeks latter it’s passed and I’m actually feeling human again. No more depressive thoughts and if I have a bad night’s sleep I just tell myself I don’t need to have the perfect night’s sleep to have a good day the next day. Sure good sleep and feeling rested helps but it’s my attitude and hope and the best support I can ever ask for with my hubby that will do anything to help me that will see me through. I think we are going to be ok.
If you or someone you know is showing signs of depression, reach out to someone you trust for help.
Please don’t leave it too late.
HER-DOT-UG 