MOJO come back

It’s the most difficult style challenge yet. I am 4 months post baby but I really can’t even recall when I last felt attractive. I didn’t feel very sexy when I was pregnant and even now that I’ve lost most of the baby weight with only 4 kgs to go to get to my pre pregnancy weight (through no effort thank you breastfeeding) I still don’t feel like my old self. I’ve lost my fashion MOJO right along with my muscle tone. Let me not get started on the flabby belly. I just throw on a t shirt that doesn’t have baby vomit on it so I can easily breastfeed and a pair of shorts or track pants  and if it’s a good day, unbraid and brush my hair into a pony tail and brush my teeth, although that rarely happens before 11 am lately. My priorities these days are: feed baby feed self, get back to bed when I can.

My baby has started waking alot at night since he hit the 4 month sleep regression and I have never slept worse. I think the lack of sleep in the newborn stage isnt as bad as this because atleast then you expect it. Luckily my legs still get shaved I haven’t completely gone feral. It’s hard. My entire existence revolves around the baby and has done so since he was born. I’m not complaining that’s just how it is. There is alot of self sacrifice and responsibility in bringing a helpless little soul into this world.

Is it even possible to even look good again when you have a baby? I know everyone else seems to manage to pull it off. Can I do it? Lose the weight, look good all the time and turn into a hot mamma?

It’s winter and I’m breast feeding. Getting the right clothes to accommodate these two things is tough. And even having thr mental energy to put together an outfit while my baby is screaming..well I don’t know how to do it. How can I wear modest clothes that afford me easy access to my boobs and that don’t look frumpy? True these are third world problems. But when you are on maternity leave for a year these are very real problems.

I’ve made some progress with one successful outfit. But I’ve got to say my inspiration came from underneath. Nice underwear including a decent sexy nursing bra made me want to wear something worthy over it. I ended up wearing a pair of super tight black pants, a long sleeved black top and a Navy blue poncho with brown ankle boots. The poncho is new and I was sure to buy small rather than oversize to fit my small frame. It seems to be working and is my go to outfit for going out. It’s warm and functional. And in it I feel a little bit like a better version of myself. You know what I can never go back to my old self, I don’t even want to. I adore my son and can’t imagine my life without him.

The Mental Toll of Pregnancy

In my own experience, despite being African, I can talk about this stuff. I have to if I want to face myself and accept who I am.  Ok here goes, this is  hard post to do. I  do suffer from intermittent depression. Undiagnosed. Not sure if Im using the correct term but thats what I have been calling it.  But despite this, I consider myself one of the lucky ones because its only happened to me in a big way about 4 times in my adult life so far. I probably had it when I was a teenager as well but its affected me more in adulthood. Its always triggered by a major stressful life event. Be it migrating to Australia and all the things that happened around it, 2 bad breakups after long term relationships and a once so far in the second trimester of pregnancy. Why do I consider myself lucky you might wonder? Well simply because its not chronic. Its not an ongoing issue that I have to deal with each day of my life. So that’s why I’m grateful. Mine is temporary and always even at my lowest low, I’m still able to function and recognise it and know its temporary and I will get through it. I don’t need medication and once I confront the issues I’m able to move past it and usually back to myself in a couple of weeks if I work at it.

I’m starting to realise we all have suffered from depression at some point in our lives. Life is hard and its quite normal for a person to break down when things get too much. There is no shame in it. But you have to confront and deal with it otherwise it can ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

I always thought depression would hit me after the birth of the baby. I didn’t realise it could hit me before hand. So it was really unexpected when this last episode in my second trimester occurred. It was not the worst I have ever had. But it affected me deeply  as I didn’t see it coming at all.

I had not been sleeping due to bad Insomnia that has been plaguing me for most of my pregnancy. But that week it was so much worse. I was not motivated to go to work or do anything due to issues with the nature of our project and the toll pregnancy was taking on me. I was exhausted and could not focus on anything.  I was contemplating taking stress leave from work. I was withdrawn and starting to look as bad as I felt. I was walking around with unshaven legs and unwashed braids, making no effort in the mornings which was not me.I just wanted to stay in bed and not do anything for the remaining time.

Then wisdom teeth issues started. I had had issues with them in my first trimester but left them untreated thinking it was unsafe to deal with and they settled down on their own. This time I was not so lucky. I was in that indescribable pain. My head felt like it was going to explode. I had a fever,  was nauseous and the pain so bad I would have had them sawed out just to get the pain to stop. I’m pretty good with pain, highly tolerant but this I could not bear. I had to get two of them removed which was not part of the plan.

And after the extraction the pain was excruciating for another week. So I had had almost 2 weeks of misery and somehow I found myself in a depressive state where it was just all too much. I was so uncomfortable from the pregnancy and the side effects of the medications I was on did not help. I was drowsy, nauseated, constipated, had no appetite and getting more depressed with each passing day. I could not sleep at night, I was exhausted. I felt hideous; I could not even look in the mirror without being revolted by the hugeness of my body. I was stressed by my weight gain, the lack of energy and just sick of everything especially being pregnant. lus the baby was kicking me all night so I couldn’t sleep and so hard it would make my eyes water. Each time I felt him move my heart would start racing and I would feel sick to my stomach and hope he would just stop moving and so I could sleep.Where had the joy of pregnancy gone, what was wrong with me for feeling this way? All I was feeling were horrible negative feelings towards the baby including resentment.

I even found myself wishing I would do in to labour early just so it would end; only to be overwrought with guilt for feeling such bad thoughts. I wondered how long it would take for my hubby to get over me and move on if anything happened to us.

What kind of mother was I risking having a preterm baby just so I could get out of this suffering? Gosh how selfish? How the hell was I going to cope with a baby if I couldn’t even handle being pregnant? I have no right to be complaining all the time. So many women out there cannot conceive, go through rounds of IVF or have lost their kids from miscarriage or had preterm deaths and still borns and here I was ungrateful for the blessing I had been given.

It all came to a head one night. After about 4-5 unsuccessful attempts to arrange my pillows for bed to go to sleep, I just lost it. I turned on the light and just started throwing things across the room and rattling on incoherently. My poor hubby was at a loss for words. He asked what he could do to help and I replied there isn’t anything you can do to make this better. I eventually told him to go to sleep and stayed up wondering how I was going to manage another 3 months of this. I thought I wanted a baby but now I was not so sure. What had I been thinking? Pregnancy was a nightmare. I was in over my head. I should not be a parent. I cannot handle another 3 months of this.

I contemplated getting up and going for a walk or watching TV but realised I just needed to give up to despair and give in to these feelings and just be ok with feeling wretched for a few hours. I cried silently then stopped. I was tempted to wake my husband to talk but didn’t as I realised there was no point to both of us getting no sleep.There was nothing to say. He could not possibly understand what I was feeling. It only made sense to me.  Plus  he had to go to work the next day and I had been enough of a pain in the ass for the last 6 months.

As for me I was still on sick leave due to recovering from dental surgery. I got up tried the pillow arranging again but soon gave up. No position as comfortable. And no amount of pillows were going to help me sleep. There was no hope of sleeping tonight. I was at my lowest low in a very long time. At some point something told me to just put my head on my hubby’s chest, which is something I had not done in months and I finally managed to fall asleep for about an hour and that was it.

The next couple of days were rough but they started to get better because I made a conscious effort to deal with my feelings I admitted that was depressed instead of denying it. I accepted it. I told my hubby what he needed to do to help me out. I told myself to stop feeling guilty for having him do all the housework and letting things around the house go. Who cares if we haven’t vacuumed for two weeks and there is dog hair everything or that the washing has piled up. We are doing the best we can and my hubby bless his heart is doing all of it on his own and not complaining. I’m also dealing with a lot and it’s ok for me to be leaning on him to do all the house stuff. I told myself and my hubby to get out outside more and make sure I was eating properly – home cooked meals lots of meat and vegetables even when we were feeling lazy, drink milk , do my yoga, go for walks when I can and sleep when I can and just get off my ass to do simple stuff. My man made me the best fruit salad I have ever had and after two bowls of that, things started to not look too bad. . This pregnancy has been pretty rough on my husband as well and I love him more everyday for how he has handled me. He will be an awesome dad even if I lose mishit occasionally as a mum.

One of the key lessons from birthing classes I attended recently is about letting go, surrendering to whatever happens good or bad and trusting your body and instincts will help you get through it. It’s not about not feeling pain. Pain is part of it. But so is joy and happiness that comes with it. So yes this last time for me was pretty bad but 3 weeks latter it’s passed and I’m actually feeling human again. No more depressive thoughts and if I have a bad night’s sleep I just tell myself I don’t need to have the perfect night’s sleep to have a good day the next day. Sure good sleep and feeling rested helps but it’s my attitude and hope and the best support I can ever ask for with my hubby that will do anything to help me that will see me through. I think we are going to be ok.

If you or someone you know is showing signs of depression, reach out to someone you trust for help.

Please don’t leave it too late.

 

Getting pregnant didn’t come easy

It’s been a long and stress filled year for me. One full of ups and downs but looking back I wouldn’t change any of it. Thought I’d share my story for all those girls out there trying to have a baby and it isn’t coming easy.

I was pretty organised. I’m not one of those people who live their lives with surprises. I think it’s because I’ve had allot of life changing disruptions in my childhood like the unexpected death of my dad and having to move countries multiple times and wasn’t having any more. So planner me, sorted out my career, got that promotion, lost weight. Got married then my hubby and after sufficient time had passed we – or rather I decided and my hubby agreed it was time to have a baby.

I got my health and life insurance sorted and we organised our finances. I went to have the contraceptive impant removed from my arm in July last year.  I discussed it at length my doctor and had my pre-pregnancy tests and vaccinations.  I was so ready to just get on with it and have a baby pronto; we had done everything we had planned to do before kids. I had a pap-smear done – screening for cervical cancer and the results came back abnormal. I didn’t take it seriously.  I was naive. I was more focused on getting pregnant than dealing with the results. I don’t know why I didn’t want to deal with it. I finally went to see to see my doctor about my results. She told me to focus on one thing at a time and was referred to a specialist soon after. Probably cause a friend of mine had died of cancer and I just could not deal with the possibility that that was going to be me. I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and go ahead with my plans and live my life in denial.

Death doesn’t really scare me. Getting sick does. My dad was sick for a long time before he passed away and I will never forget watching him fade away to the point it was a relief when he died. My doctor kept calling me telling me to come in urgently but it was not getting pregnant quickly that really made me go back as though that was the more important thing. I was scared that I was infertile. I thought it would happen quickly. Like 3 months or that I would pregnant on queue. And I was wretched on the inside when it didn’t. My closest friends all had babies or were close to.

But it’s funny how things don’t necessary happen according to plan. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant.  I kept thinking we left this too long. I should have had kids earlier in my 20s. And now it’s too late. If this is cancer I’m done. The doctor referred me to a specialist who did more tests and recommended surgery asap. That was wake up call. It finally registered that my focus needed to shift. I could have cancer. And getting pregnant was secondary to my life. My doctor bless his heart told me not to despair – Not conceiving now was a blessing. Surgery first in December wait a few months for full recovery and it would not impact my fertility, infact it will help. Then was probably the most stressed I have ever been in my life with all the months leading to that point. On-top of everything work was crazy and I really had no one to talk to about what I was going through. My hubby was great though. He was worried too but told me not to get ahead of myself with worry or thinking the worst. One step at a time and we would deal with whatever happened together.

I had my surgery which looking back was not a big deal. They didn’t even need to cut me open. It was done via 3 holes in my belly and I barely have scars. I was in the hospital one night. In fact the most difficult thing about it was the constipation that resulted afterward. I also made the mistake of I end up going back to work after a few days which was too soon. But finally got back. Recovery ticks by. More months pass and I was still not pregnant. I had been diligently reading up on fertility, charting my temp and doing the pee on a stick – to track my ovulation so we didn’t miss the fertility window with extreme paranoia. My periods are normal. Sure for the 2 months post surgery they were so longer than normal due to bleeding and bruising from the surgery. But always on time.

I started to get ahead of myself with worry again and think we are barren. My doctor tells me it’s not an exact science and the body is not predictable. Everything has to align to get pregnant even the PH of your vaginal fluid is a contributing factor can you believe that? It’s not just the probability of the sperm catching the egg. As if I was feeling low enough my brother had a baby and rather than making me happy it deflates me even further. I started to feel like a failure. Two of my friends give birth. My cousin is also pregnant and I go from sadness to anger back to sadness. This isn’t how my story is supposed to go down. I’ve done it all right. Married career saved waited for stable environment. Work was so insane at the moment. I work more to not deal with this.

At this point I look at how much time has passed. I’m like enough it’s not happening. Been 10 months something in wrong. Maybe my eggs are old. I must be barren. I start to try to imagine a life without kids. We will adjust and try to be happy I tell myself but I’m not very convincing.

We planned a trip back home to Uganda in January but postponed it til July as I was too stressed out to deal with holiday planning. I told myself I will wait til we get back and go to a fertility specialist when we returned or maybe just go by myself. Clinton was also worried but putting on a calm front. He could see how stressed I had been but was telling me not to worry too much.

At some point we have a fight over nothing. My nerves are so close to surface. Exercise which was my stress relief went by the way side a while back. Probably since the surgery. I was still not mentally coping except with work. Work has always been the one area I feel like I was in control. At work, I always feel like I’m in charge I’m the expert. I’m totally confident in my ability to get a job done even though shit does not go according to plan.

I said enough is enough. I stopped tracking my fertility. I say no more temping or OPKs and no more obsessing or trying to have a baby for a while. It was all too much for me. I secretly gave up all hope

And you know what – The month I let go and surrendered and stopped trying to manage the situation and stopped focusing our sex life on babies is the month it happened. A watched pot never boils. My period which is like clockwork was 4 days late. I tested expecting a negative. I had no hope after so much trying and negatives. And then I get the two faint lines. I thought I’d imagined it. I tested again 2 days later and it’s still positive. I couldn’t believe how relieved and happy and pleased with myself I was.

Pretty quickly part of me gets scared. In those first days I was expecting to miscarry or something and had to consciously tell myself to just chill and that I was healthy and had no reason to stress out. I had to fight the urge to test daily to make sure I’m pregnant and stay off the pregnancy sites and forums full of heart wrenching stories that had helped me before. I also worry about my fitness as I was not at my peak anymore and not motivated to get back to where I was. Around my wedding was the fittest and best I have ever looked/felt. It was hard to look in the mirror and see the weight coming back.

Luckily work is a welcome distraction, I move to a new area and consumed by a new role. Just when I had given up it’s finally happened

Morning sickness starts almost right away and I feel like crap. But we are happy. I’m overwhelmed by emotions and underwhelmed by work which used to occupy me so much. I decide to just accept it and see where it goes. I tell my close friends but delayed to tell family til I was past the first trimester. It was weird how I was feeling protective of the news and wanted to keep it private. I just wanted to relax and be ok with it before I tell the world.

Just want to enjoy this and have some time with my hubby before things go nuts.

And the timing despite the long wait in the end couldn’t have been better. My health is sorted our savings hit our target, I have a promotion and we have our trip – we manage to fit in an amazing safari holiday before the baby coming.

In my world my friends are closer than family. My friends – the UG crew thank God help me so much and I don’t know how I would have coped without them. All the insecurities and dumb questions they have helped me work through. Always have time for me. Checking up on me. I’m so grateful to know there are people who care even though so much time has passed since I last saw them and they have their own life.

There are many things to worry about and they seem to outweigh all the things to be happy about

I have to frequently keep telling myself to be positive and to just take it slow and enjoy each day that’s a good day.

At least I have not seen another grey hair yet my pants won’t zip. But my butt my boots and my hair look fab. And the weight gain despite being alarming has not been catastrophic.

I’m afraid of how fat I’m going to get. I’ve lost 15kgs. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m no longer motivated to exercise like that and I’ve lost my fitness mojo. But if I managed to achieve that in the past I can do it again when I’m ready. You can’t force it. Motivation comes from within. So yeah I’m worried about that and don’t even get me started on the fear of child birth.

Luckily I have months to get my head around it.