Please do not get tired of me going on and on about marriage. If you are, please do not read beyond this point?
I am discovering a new self, a different me. Marriage is a mirror. A magical mirror, reflecting all my weaknesses, bad habits, faults and every once in a while (very rarely) some strengths.
It is almost as if saying, ‘I do’, sets off this alarm and once it goes off, it then triggers the release of this ‘special’ hormone into your system! I see all my shortcomings oh so clearly now.
I thought life had taught me to be patient, I was wrong. I feel, especially lately, that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do. This means I end up rushing and racing against the clock; wake up, make Matt’s breakfast (hubby rarely has breakfast, thank goodness!), get ready for work, drive to work, get as much done on my day’s to do list as I can, rush home (beat the terrible rush hour hopefully!), catch up with Matt, make dinner, do laundry or clean my room, give Matt his bath, Matt’s dinner time, put Matt to bed, our dinner time, clean up after dinner, have a bath, read a chapter of a book, or watch an episode of something ( I do this no matter how tired I am), go to bed, wake to give Matt his night time bottle, sleep, wake up…another day begins! So I rush through it all, struggling to see how to free up more time; to spend with my husband and Matt, for me time! I worry a lot that I fail to stop and savor moments worth savoring. Many times I actually stop and wonder what I used to do with all my time before I had my son and got married, I haven’t the faintest memory!
My impatience is at its highest when my darling husband tries to help out; I am actually teaching myself to leave him alone and let him; change a diaper, cook, his own way. This is hard, but I am slowly learning. God help me! I cannot keep complaining he doesn’t help out enough and when he tries to poor guy gets stressed, because I don’t let him be!
That brings me to part where I catch myself behaving like a mad (insane) woman, I complain about not getting help, I make it hard for my husband to help. I worry about not spending enough time with my little man, but I rush through the moments I have with him; bath time, meal times, play time…always mentally ticking off items on this list in my head of all I feel I need to do, so I am with Matt but not really with him! Insane right? I take on projects I know I have not properly planned and made time for, then beat myself up for not completing them (the state of my home is an interior decorator’s nightmare!). What. is. wrong. with. me?!
Constructive criticism turns me into this angry, crying mess! I am fully aware of the fact that I am far from perfect, I read a lot about how I can become a better; person, wife, mom! So, why do I lose it when my husband offers constructive criticism?!
Then the worst so far, I catch myself ‘(s)mothering’ my husband; telling him off so badly when he; leaves a wet towel on the bed or floor, flooded bathroom floor. I start out with the intention of asking him to help with an errand, I end up ordering him around, he makes a mistake with the Matt and I go crazy on him. I am slowly turning into the headmistress at home (because everyone daydreams about getting it on with the headmistress!), if that does not completely damage our sex life, I honestly do not know what will! What is the matter with me?! Why do I behave this way?! The hardest part to stomach is, I know I when I am behaving badly, but I do little to stop it! He had to sit me down very recently, for a talk, it did not go very well initially, remember constructive criticism does crazy things to me? I however, took time to think about it, I apologized, we spoke about how to be more considerate towards each other and are both now on the road to recovery, me especially.
My sister had complained to our Mum a very long time ago that I was bossy, I am only realizing now, after marriage, that she was not telling a lie. I am bossy. Is there any treatment for this? Therapy I go to for this? Group therapy? Help!!!
Last but not least, and this breaks my heart, it really does; I used to take pride in the way I looked, that affected the way I felt, which affected the way I dealt with people. Does that make sense?
Anyway, because I have let myself go (appearance), I do not feel like socializing much. I crave it, but do not actively pursue it. So I do not spend enough time with my friends.
Date night with hubby is sort of not a priority (shame shame shame on us).
I really need to make some changes! Eesshh!
HER-DOT-UG 
You have to learn to not sweat the small stuff and treat your man like a man not a child. If he leaves a towel on the floor pick it up and ask him later when you are not angry to pick up after himself and leave it at that. Most guys remember stuff you point out and will make an effort not to create more work for you. It’s a partnership. Remember he is not psychic you have to communicate, tell him when he is annoying, ask for help, tell him when you are stressed, ask him for what you need from him and always apologize immediately when you are out of line. That’s my advice.
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